Mending the Relationship with a Cheating Spouse

Healing After an Affair

One of the most difficult issues in reviving a marriage is healing after an affair and a cheating spouse. Affairs, by their very nature, are divisive and painful. They make good marriages bad and bad marriages worse. They destroy trust, blunt communication and are often confusing for the abandoned partner and for children. Affairs can take many forms. An affair can be a ploy for someone to get the attention of their husband or wife. It can be about sex addiction. It can be a way to show anger, though it is a destructive and convoluted way to achieve that goal. If that is the case for you or your cheating spouse, you will have to find a more effective way to communicate your dissatisfaction with your spouse, to get the attention you need, to feel valued, attractive and/or worthwhile.

Fortunately, marriages usually heal after an affair. I tell couples I work with that it is a little like healing a broken bone. The scar tissue may not look so pretty but the broken bone may heal stronger than ever. Your relationship will never be the same after an affair, but your marriage can be strengthened through the crisis and can grow in new and necessary ways.

A word of warning: If you are fortunate enough to be able to re-build your marriage after an affair, be aware that most marriages may heal after one rupture to the trust, but most marriages cannot survive repeated infidelity and a cheating spouse.

• A cheating spouse must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse.
  
  
• The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort our how the affair happened, and what needs to change to prevent it from ever happening again in the future.
  
  
• Be patient. Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly. Eventually the setbacks will be fewer and farther between.
  
  
• Often the betrayed spouse says she/he needs to know what happened and wants to know the details. It may be uncomfortable to talk about or to hear it all but for many spouses, knowing that their partner has "come clean" can help in the recovery.
  
  
• Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of things, it could happen again. The reality is that infidelity is a decision. It is always a choice. No one is ever forced to be unfaithful. It is important, if you were the cheating spouse, to examine why you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Were you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction? If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to learn to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together, in the future, you can resolve problems together rather than find temporary comfort through another affair. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help to learn how to improve communication.
  
  
• A necessary element for rebuilding a marriage after an affair involves the willingness of the unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can't apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit adultery again, and keep your promise.
  
  
• Ultimately the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The betrayed spouse needs to be able to forgive his or her spouse and a cheating spouse needs to forgive him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection. Forgiveness is long process that takes conscious effort. If you truly want to move forward, make the choice to forgive today.

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